Spirit Dolls

When we blame, we blame because of ourselves, not because of others.
Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box - The Arbinger Institute

This personal story begins with some paragraphs from Jim's upcoming book.

"I stood on crutches in the kitchen doorway of our new home facing my wife Marlena and our daughter Meghan. Tears ran down my face and my voice choked. The new skin graft on my left jaw and cheek created a bald area in my freshly growing beard. I had just returned home to Victoria from the University Hospital in Edmonton; less than three weeks after my second cancer surgery in eighteen months. Having recently closed my thirty-year psychotherapy and consulting practice in Edmonton, my plans to establish a new practice in a different city felt like an impossible mountain to climb. The icy fear of cancer recurrence was a regularly appearing uninvited 'visitor' within me.

Marlena and Meghan looked at me; their eyes steady and curious. Words came out of my mouth; a mouth foreign to me as I struggled to work a newly reconstructed jaw. The cancer excision and re-constructive surgery had taken fourteen hours. The bone comprising the mandible in my lower left jaw had been 'harvested' from the now dangling fibula of my left leg. Sutures and staples had recently been removed from my shoulder, neck, and my radically severed cheek, lower lip and chin. The whole area was a patchwork of being either numb or painful. I eventually choked out the words, 'I am happier than I have ever been in my life.'

I am gradually coming to know more fully what I meant by those words.

Foremost was my happiness and gratitude for being alive and having a more profound value of life; my life, human life and all life on our planet. I felt more deeply the power of love and of prayer. I had come to a greater realization while I lay looking at the ceiling in the hospital that I was destined to live more of a life of 'being' and less of a life of 'doing' - a human 'being' more so than a human 'doing'. I no longer had as much of my identity determined by my ability to work hard or having the role of 'psychologist'"

As a couple we had been handed a life situation whereby our learning was profound and pragmatic. What was our immediate learning? Our initial attitudes and feelings towards our dilemma were a challenge. We moved along a continuum from negative reactivity to more calm and wise responsiveness. On the one hand we reacted with an 'in the box' contracted, limiting, and powerless bitterness. On the other hand we responded from an 'out of the box' perspective - more calmly, creative and discerning. We moved along in an intermittent stream of 'in and out of the box' reactions and responses.

One 'in the box' reaction in relation to the second diagnosis was something like, 'Why us? How could this happen to us again? Why didn't the doctors prescribe radiation the first time?' Clearly, we were reacting out of fear; busy blaming and feeling powerless and thus limiting creative and effective responses.

Thankfully we also chose 'out of the box' responses. We were grateful that we had a superb team of medical specialists to work with us again. We appreciated that they had done so much thus far and we trusted them to do the very best job for us. We realized how fortunate we were to have medical coverage. These attitudes did not change the external reality of our situation but they altered the negative impact on us. We were able to make all the necessary arrangements and decisions more peacefully and effectively.

Some of our other 'in the box' reactions were related to our being in the middle of moving from Edmonton to Victoria when we learned of the second diagnosis. The excessive number of details and tasks to be completed before the surgery felt like an avalanche as our situation unfolded: both of us were closing down our practices, packing our belongings, saying many 'good-byes', and preparing to drive a moving truck over the mountains. All this needed to happen while coping with the physical pain and exhaustion of having cancer along with both of us being emotionally at our limits.

Our 'in the box' reactions sounded something like this. 'We'll never get through this. This is too much; we can't possibly do it.'

Our 'out of the box' responses were: 'We can ask for help. There are many people who love and care for us. We are fortunate to have so much support.' We reached out to family and friends for help. Some people had generously offered to help before we asked. People very willingly went out of their way to do all they could to physically and emotionally get us 'on the road' to Victoria. We felt immeasurable gratitude for the abundance of help and love and prayers that we experienced.

Above are examples to illustrate that we always have choices. There are a variety of perspectives through which to perceive and experience any situation. We are not saying it is easy. It takes an awareness of the present moment and a commitment to being 'at choice' for a higher purpose. It entails having an acceptance of 'what is' in the moment. Acceptance doesn't mean you have to like it, resign yourself to it or allow yourself to be controlled by it. It means accepting what is and making a choice of how to respond.

Through this process we each discovered our strong, centered, core of being through which we could count on being resilient; a strong belief in ourselves and in our individual abilities to handle what life has handed us and move through it with grace, humility and effectiveness. Equally important we came to feel more profoundly the power of love and prayer. Healing and being well continues and each day we are grateful for what is now; for what is in our wonderful present moments.

In what situations in your life may you be reacting from being 'in the box'? What would some 'out of the box' responses be?